This is a date that will forever be with me. This was the day that my life was turned upside down. It also goes along with three little words that I’ll never forget. Those words are:
“I’m sorry guys.”
Those were the words that the OB/GYN told us at the hospital after we had gone there because we couldn’t feel the baby moving. After that, things got a little fuzzy. Let me back up a bit.
The weekend was going great. We had arranged for the contractor to come in on Monday and start on changing the den into a bedroom. We had purchased a bunch of new clothes, and a stroller/car seat combo. We were beginning to get excited about the little addition to our family in a couple of months. We had names picked out, planning a holiday with him the following summer, just getting excited. Our families were excited as well. They were purchasing clothes, toys and other things in anticipation. Then came Sunday.
We went to church as usual and we heard how another family, that was expecting any day, were having some complications, so we were asked, as a congregation, to pray that all may go well. After coming home and having lunch, April noted that she didn’t think that she had felt the baby for a while. She had a glass of orange juice and we went about the day. Later that evening, she mentioned that she didn’t feel the baby. So off to the emergency care in Airdrie. They instructed us to go to the hospital where we would be delivering. So off to the Rockeyview Hospital we went, grumbling because it is a long way and we thought they could have just put a heartbeat monitor on and it would all be good. I drop April off at the front door and go and park the car. We get to the Maternity ward and they get into a room right away and start to hook up the monitors. They seemed to be having some difficulty, so they called in an OB/GYN to do an ultrasound. The nurse that admitted us was still talking to April when I noticed that the OB/GYN seemed to be waiting to speak. When she did, our world came crashing down.
“I’m sorry guys.”
With three little words, our dream had come to an end. After that, there was much crying, consoling, phone calls were made and a blessing was given. April then had to go through one of the most cruel things that I can think of. She had to give birth. Why was this cruel? Because there would be no reward at the end.
So on Monday October 25th, 2010 at around 5:22pm, Kai Derek Samuel Coulthard was born. There was no crying as he gasped for air, there was no movement from his arms or legs. There was nothing. Just this tiny little body. After the nurse cleaned him and wrapped him in a blanket, she asked if we wanted to hold him. As I held my little boy, I broke down. In my arms was supposed to be a loving bundle of joy, instead there was a lifeless body. As our family gathered around for support, there were no barriers to emotion being shown. There were lots of tears, hugs, well wishes, questions, and most of all, support for me and April. Eventually family started to leave and then there was just April, me and Kai. As we sat with our little one and contemplated what had happened and why, we held him for what now doesn’t seem like long enough. At 10:30pm we handed our little son over to the nurses, never to hold him again. Never to see him smile, run, play, fall in love, get married and have children of his own. This is the hardest to come to terms with.
Two months. Two months have passed since that event, and we are getting better. Writing this is my way of dealing with it. The emotions are still very raw and we still have many, many questions. We believe that Kai was a valiant servant of our Father in Heaven and did not need to prove himself in this life, but he did need a physical body. We don’t know why Kai didn’t need to be here, and that is hard, but we are comforted with our belief that we will see him and get a chance to know and raise him in the next life. This belief seems to take away the edge of the pain, but not completely remove it. In the coming weeks during Christmas, it will be especially hard as his due date was the 23rd of December.
I am going to attach a couple of picture of Kai. They have been re-touched, but if you do not want to look, I understand.
If you thought that wasn’t horrible enough, wait until I tell you about the trip we took afterwards.
Until then.
