One Year

One year ago today, our lives were changed forever.
One year ago today, we held our little child in our arms, but couldn’t take him home.
One year ago today, we experienced what no parent should ever have to experience.
One year ago today, our lives were changed forever.

One year ago today, Kai Derek Samuel Coulthard was silently born.

He will never feel pain.
He will never be cold.
He will never be sick.
But he will be loved forever.

One year ago today, Kai Derek Samuel Coulthard was silently born.

One year ago today, we left the hospital empty handed.
One year ago today, a family that had suffered a tragedy, came together for support.
One year ago today, we went home in shock.
One year ago today, we were filled with questions.

One year ago today, Kai Derek Samuel Coulthard was silently born.

One year ago today, there was extreme anger.
One year ago today, there was extreme pain.
One year ago today, there was perceived betrayal.
One year ago today, there was loss.

One year ago today, Kai Derek Samuel Coulthard was silently born.

Today I look back on the tragedy of one year ago. A lot has changed, but a lot still remains the same. The feeling of loss, pain, and sadness are constantly at the back of my mind. Constantly reminding me of what could have been. The feelings of anger and betrayal have gone, but not the questions. Why? What did we do wrong? Why do we have to suffer this? Why did God abandon us? Some of these questions will never be answered in this life, in fact a lot of them won’t. Over the past year I have learned to accept that there will be no answers until I am standing facing my Saviour and ask these questions of him. Over the past year I have come to the realization that we are not alone in our suffering. There are hundreds of thousands of couples who have had to endure the same loss. During this past year, we have had family celebrations that will last forever in our hearts. We have had to suffer through the mundane aspects of life. We have had to deal with the constant fear for a loved one serving his country. We have had to deal with the almost loss of Tyler’s grand father. We have met new friends and renewed old acquaintances. So much has happened during this past year that I cannot even begin to go into it all, but during this year, there has always been the question “I wonder what this would be like with Kai here?”

Today, our lives have changed for the better.
Today, we hold our memories of him close to our hearts.
Today, we are slowly moving forward.
Today, our lives are better because he is a part of us.

One year ago today, Kai Derek Samuel Coulthard was silently born.

He will never feel pain.
He will never be cold.
He will never be sick.
And he IS loved forever.

One year ago today, Kai Derek Samuel Coulthard was silently born.